Fear Is Not My Future

Mastectomy Surgery Day

I am an anxious person. It has always been that way. I was certainly born with an adventurous spirit but there is something about the unfamiliar that can terrify me. I have great sympathy for my parents because I could be a friendly, happy, and seemingly content little girl but then something as simple as being asked to go get an extra straw from the counter at McDonald's (that's where they kept that stuff back in the 80's) could cause me to instantly melt down with fear and anxiety. God bless my parents who taught me to confront and push through these situations. They would explain that I really could ask that teenage boy for a straw and then my dad would take me by the hand and lead me to the counter as I sobbed, barely able to make out the words, "Can I please--have--a--straw?" I'm happy to report that because of my amazing parents I can successfully make fast food orders like a BOSS today. 

On the night of March 31, 2022, I was lying in bed watching television and as I rolled over to go to sleep I happened to feel a hard lump in my right breast. Wait. What is THAT? It's just a lymph node, I scoffed to myself. Check the other side. Symmetry means it's nothing. But there isn't one on the other side. Are you sure you didn't feel a rib? Yeah, I'm sure. That's definitely not a rib. It's not even a lymph node. Lymph nodes are not that big. It's a tumor. It's definitely a tumor. 

And just like that my heart began to race.

I jumped out of bed and ran out to the living room. Johnny was still recovering from his knee surgery from the month before and was in the recliner. I made him get up and feel the hard knot in my body and at that point I had entered McDonald's straw-level fear. Johnny stopped me and prayed and I agreed to try not to panic, but we would start making calls to doctors the next day. 

One of my husband's favorite things to tell people about the Bible is how it tells us not to be afraid 365 times--that's one "fear not" or "do not be afraid" for every day of the year. Fear not? Excuse me? I'm not supposed to be afraid? I'm this frail human that suddenly appeared on this strange planet, spinning at high speed in outer space, full of pain and danger and storms and disease and wild animals and war and crazy other humans and You, God, don't want me to fear? I don't understand how that's even possible.

Well, let me tell you, it's not--without HIM. For a long time I took, "Do not be afraid," not only as a command but as an impossible demand. There are some who describe the anxious and afraid as living in sin. I don't know about you but that makes me even more anxious and afraid. And it certainly doesn't make me want to come to Jesus with my fear. When I look at it from a mom's point of view, I think of it differently. I reassure my littlest one, Texas, when he's afraid at night, it's ok. Don't be afraid. I'm here, I've got you. I'm not going to leave you. And guess what? That's actually what's happening. God says the same thing to us.

Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Do you see it? God, our Father, is saying, it's ok. Don't be afraid. I'm here, I've got you. I'm not going to leave you. Not only that, but I'm going to strengthen you, uphold you! Not, you better not be scared or I'm going to separate you from Me forever. There's no threat here...just reassurance! What a relief! Because in the moment that I found that tumor, I needed God my Father. I was AFRAID. I needed some strength and upholding. I needed Him to take my hand and lead me because the next stop--and the stop after that, and the one after that--was scary. I needed Him to lead me just like my dad led me to the McDonald's counter when I was a little girl. 

You're probably wondering, HOW? God's up there and I'm down here! How do I hold hands with God? I do it through gratitude, worship, and prayer: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving make your requests known to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 

Do I still get anxious and afraid? YES. Alllll the time. And when I do I run to my Father and I tell Him about it. I turn on my Jesus music and I sing, I worship, I pray, I connect to Him. Trusting that my Father has a plan and a purpose--even if my earthly circumstances turn out to be terrible, painful, unimaginable...that's truly where the ultimate peace comes. It's HARD! It's hard as a human to say to God, if I die I trust you will work out that my 3 small kids won't have their mom. How do you wrap your human mind around that? You don't. Allowing those thoughts and worries into my mind and my soul could not and cannot help my mind or my body or my family stay healthy.

I learned very very quickly that fear accomplishes nothing. It helps me make no gains. It doesn't serve any purpose but to destroy. And so no wonder our Creator wants us to fear not. Every day, fear not. Is it difficult? Yes. What good things that we accomplish in this life are not difficult? But is it impossible? I think it's not with the help of our loving God. I love this Amplified version of 1 Peter 5:6-7, it's so beautiful. It says: Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God [set aside self-righteous pride] so that He may exalt you [to a place of honor in His service] at the appropriate time, casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] for He cares about you [with deepest affection and He watches over you very carefully]. (emphasis mine!)

Maybe the road would be scary, but I didn't have to walk it afraid.

 

A New Thing

Me at Disney with my precious boys: Arlis 10, Linus 6, Texas, 3. They're all a year older now!

Would you believe I actually started writing this post well over a year ago? I had the title picked out and everything: A New Thing. And yes, I was going to change the name of my blog to match it. It was 5 years after my grandmother, "Meme" had passed away and for some reason I put off writing--for FIVE YEARS. I didn't even realize it had been 5 years until I logged into my blog and sat, staring shamefully, looking at the screen. Five years. If I'm honest with myself, and with you, it wasn't "for some reason" that I put off writing. It was grief. The last post I had written was about her. Her house, her funeral, her memories. And as much as it honored her and as much as I loved writing and writing about her, I didn't want to look at it. It made me miss her and it made sad. I even get misty-eyed thinking about it now. Sometimes I can be the ultimate avoider. Have you ever found yourself avoiding the hard stuff because it's...well...hard? 

I had prayed a lot over the last 5 years about whether I should continue to write and I'd always felt like I should...but I was too chicken to do it. Not just because I was afraid of my emotions. I was just afraid in general. I don't hold a degree in writing. And who am I to think people want to hear what I have to say? But then in 2021 some things happened at the end of the year that inspired me to start 2022 fresh. And I was geared up all the way around! I had church goals, I had horse goals, I had music goals, and I had writing goals; if you had a category for it, I had a goal for it. I think I bought 3 or 4 planners, multiple journals, lots of my favorite pens (so important right?? 😜), 2022 was going to be IT. I was going to be the brave girl my Meme would expect of a Casey woman and so I sat down and began the tedious process of finally updating my page. 

And then, I got cancer. Cue the "screech/halt" sound effect. Maybe the sound of a record scratching to a stop. (Because that's exactly what happened in my mind.) No, God, I'm not writing about this. Nope. Not right now. I can't even process this, God. Give me a minute. I just need a minute.

And so all my 2022 goals fell to the wayside. What was so important to accomplish in those moments instantly became unimportant. There was no avoiding this. Cancer. You can't look away from it and deal with it when it's convenient or when you "feel like it" if you want to carry on living. As much as I wanted to curl into the fetal position and hide underneath and amongst my 17+ pillows (I have somewhat of a pillow addiction, much to my husband's great dismay) with the covers over my head, I had to do this. My choice was, avoid it, deny it, look away from it, and ultimately die. Or face it, and and have a chance to live. I had to choose to be Meme's brave girl again, but faster.

I'm grateful for cancer. Oh not because of the suffering, the surgery, the baldness, or the throwing up, but for the perspective that the suffering has brought me. Like James talks about in the New Testament, our trials and the testing of our faith produces perseverance. And we should consider it joy when the testing of our faith happens. I don't know about you, but I don't see life getting any easier and I KNOW I'm going to need some perseverance. I used to think the joy part was bonkers. I likened it to the people on the pharmaceutical commercials with horrible diseases who look thrilled that they have the disease even though they're taking a drug that gives them side effects worse than the disease itself. But I truly understand it now. Here it is: If there weren't great purpose for me, my husband, and my family I would have died back in 2008 when my liver failed. The hope for the future gives me great joy. The vision we have for our church gives me great joy. The dreams we have for serving our community give me great joy. I have great joy because cancer has given me perseverance, hope, expectation, and wisdom.

Right now I'm cancer free as I continue to be treated at Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa, FL, and I plan to stay cancer free for as long as He will have me on this side of heaven. I want to continue to share parts of my journey with you, along with some lessons I've learned and I'm still learning along the way. The new thing I thought I was embarking on in 2022 is a different new thing, a better thing. If you want to come with me there's always room for one more at our table, just like at my Meme and Pepe's house.

 More soon. 💕

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11

All done! Not as bad as I thought. I do miss my
long hair a lot more than I thought I would!

Head shaving day back in July...
halfway there...

 

If you have any questions or just want to chat, you can email me at sarahcaseyfl@gmail.com or reach me via social media at the links below. I'd love to hear from you!