Fear Is Not My Future

Mastectomy Surgery Day

I am an anxious person. It has always been that way. I was certainly born with an adventurous spirit but there is something about the unfamiliar that can terrify me. I have great sympathy for my parents because I could be a friendly, happy, and seemingly content little girl but then something as simple as being asked to go get an extra straw from the counter at McDonald's (that's where they kept that stuff back in the 80's) could cause me to instantly melt down with fear and anxiety. God bless my parents who taught me to confront and push through these situations. They would explain that I really could ask that teenage boy for a straw and then my dad would take me by the hand and lead me to the counter as I sobbed, barely able to make out the words, "Can I please--have--a--straw?" I'm happy to report that because of my amazing parents I can successfully make fast food orders like a BOSS today. 

On the night of March 31, 2022, I was lying in bed watching television and as I rolled over to go to sleep I happened to feel a hard lump in my right breast. Wait. What is THAT? It's just a lymph node, I scoffed to myself. Check the other side. Symmetry means it's nothing. But there isn't one on the other side. Are you sure you didn't feel a rib? Yeah, I'm sure. That's definitely not a rib. It's not even a lymph node. Lymph nodes are not that big. It's a tumor. It's definitely a tumor. 

And just like that my heart began to race.

I jumped out of bed and ran out to the living room. Johnny was still recovering from his knee surgery from the month before and was in the recliner. I made him get up and feel the hard knot in my body and at that point I had entered McDonald's straw-level fear. Johnny stopped me and prayed and I agreed to try not to panic, but we would start making calls to doctors the next day. 

One of my husband's favorite things to tell people about the Bible is how it tells us not to be afraid 365 times--that's one "fear not" or "do not be afraid" for every day of the year. Fear not? Excuse me? I'm not supposed to be afraid? I'm this frail human that suddenly appeared on this strange planet, spinning at high speed in outer space, full of pain and danger and storms and disease and wild animals and war and crazy other humans and You, God, don't want me to fear? I don't understand how that's even possible.

Well, let me tell you, it's not--without HIM. For a long time I took, "Do not be afraid," not only as a command but as an impossible demand. There are some who describe the anxious and afraid as living in sin. I don't know about you but that makes me even more anxious and afraid. And it certainly doesn't make me want to come to Jesus with my fear. When I look at it from a mom's point of view, I think of it differently. I reassure my littlest one, Texas, when he's afraid at night, it's ok. Don't be afraid. I'm here, I've got you. I'm not going to leave you. And guess what? That's actually what's happening. God says the same thing to us.

Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Do you see it? God, our Father, is saying, it's ok. Don't be afraid. I'm here, I've got you. I'm not going to leave you. Not only that, but I'm going to strengthen you, uphold you! Not, you better not be scared or I'm going to separate you from Me forever. There's no threat here...just reassurance! What a relief! Because in the moment that I found that tumor, I needed God my Father. I was AFRAID. I needed some strength and upholding. I needed Him to take my hand and lead me because the next stop--and the stop after that, and the one after that--was scary. I needed Him to lead me just like my dad led me to the McDonald's counter when I was a little girl. 

You're probably wondering, HOW? God's up there and I'm down here! How do I hold hands with God? I do it through gratitude, worship, and prayer: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving make your requests known to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 

Do I still get anxious and afraid? YES. Alllll the time. And when I do I run to my Father and I tell Him about it. I turn on my Jesus music and I sing, I worship, I pray, I connect to Him. Trusting that my Father has a plan and a purpose--even if my earthly circumstances turn out to be terrible, painful, unimaginable...that's truly where the ultimate peace comes. It's HARD! It's hard as a human to say to God, if I die I trust you will work out that my 3 small kids won't have their mom. How do you wrap your human mind around that? You don't. Allowing those thoughts and worries into my mind and my soul could not and cannot help my mind or my body or my family stay healthy.

I learned very very quickly that fear accomplishes nothing. It helps me make no gains. It doesn't serve any purpose but to destroy. And so no wonder our Creator wants us to fear not. Every day, fear not. Is it difficult? Yes. What good things that we accomplish in this life are not difficult? But is it impossible? I think it's not with the help of our loving God. I love this Amplified version of 1 Peter 5:6-7, it's so beautiful. It says: Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God [set aside self-righteous pride] so that He may exalt you [to a place of honor in His service] at the appropriate time, casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] for He cares about you [with deepest affection and He watches over you very carefully]. (emphasis mine!)

Maybe the road would be scary, but I didn't have to walk it afraid.